Why I'm Sad & Angry
I'm so frustrated with my life. I don't know if someone else in my position would be happy with my life, and that scares me. I mean what if I'm stressing about stuff when I could be not stressing out about it? What if I could completely enjoy my life just the way it is? And that scares me. I'll tell you what makes my life so dreadful- it's the money. It always goes back to the money. But specifically...
:cry: I don't have enough money to rent a car up to another part of the state where I live for a music festival. I don't own a car myself, again due to money.
:mad: No one that I know who is going, can take me along- even though i offered to pay for all the gas money. I mean seriously, free gas motherfuckers and you don't even make room for one tiny seat in your motherfucking car! And I would be going as a freaking VOLUNTEER.
I don't have enough money for food. Seriously, i'm starving. I already applied for medicaid, they denied me food stamps, and I'm going to have to go through that whole process all over again- and I hate, i mean hate, legal stuff. I wish i could just walk up to a counter, explain my situation, and get foodstamps. But oh no, now i'm going to have to get a friend over to spend a nice long hour or two on the computer just so i can APPLY for food stamps. Again. And then, what's probably going to happen is, they will want me to fill something else out, or else go to their office during office hours- which are exactly the hours that i work.
My rabbits don't have any lettuce. I have two rabbits, and I feed them a stellar diet- except when I don't have enough money that month. Which means they are reduced to pellets, hay, and bit of my own salad for 4 weeks, sometimes more. And I hate myself for that, but what can I do? I've had them for 5 years, and the thought of giving them away is appalling. Not to mention, nobody wants rabbits where I am- those poor dears often sit for awhile in the pound. And who knows what could happen- i give up my baby so that she can be taken care of better, and then someone else comes by and doesn't take care of her, or worse she gets euthanized! I just feel like i'm a bad mom to them (even though the vet told me I'm not) and I just want the best for them but i'm stressed out because i can't buy them what's best for them.
I'm moving out of a friend's apartment to my mom's. And I have BAGS of stuff. I mean just like, a whole 1/2 of an office full of my stuff that I took from my mom's, never went through all of it, and now I have to go through all of it before I go back to my mom's. I'm so stressed out! I mean, going through one bag I just give up halfway, and even when I do get through one bag it's like- what's the point, there's an entire sea of them! :-( :cry:
My friend's house. Is. A. MESS! :???: Washes dishes? Once a week. Cleans litter box? Once a week. Wipes counters? Once every two weeks. That is NOT my style. When I use something, I clean it up either that day or the next evening after work. And I'm trying to instill in myself a habit of actually doing it right after the dish is finished being used, rather than a few hours to a day after. I'm just so fed up of his mess, my mess. Especially when I clean up my stuff, but my friend's dishes are still laying around days later. And his compost bin...oh my god. Look, I love composting- really do. But the other thing he does, is not clean out the composting bin. And then he's like..."wow flies, how did they get in here?" and im thinking, you idiot they came in because you don't clean anything! :mad:
And then there's the computer. Oh yeah, I still don't have one. And you know how people are able to make more money? Because they have a fucking freaking computer! That's why! I would love to be able to work for LiveOps and also have a Zazzle/Redbubble account in order to make ends meet. I have one day a week that my job doesn't need anyone because they are open one less day a week than everyone else. That one day, no one is going to hire me to work one day where I live. Maybe i haven't tried hard enough, but in a company's eyes working one day a week just doesn't go well. They need someone who can work 3-4 days, not 1. Except LiveOps- which is a call center. I decide my days, my hours, and if I want to do one day a week of calling people and making money off the calls then great. Except Zazzle- take the time to put products out, and people will buy. That would help me so much right now, but I don't have a computer, and i'm not sure how soon i'll be able to get one either.
Relationships. Yeah. There's a guy I met that I just want to get to know better because I think he's really awesome, and I may have kindof actually been inspired by him to write a couple songs (yes, one of them was about him). He was just such a compassionate, inspiring person and I was hoping that if i stopped by where he works something would happen. Well....nothing happened. I slipped him a note and i just told him i think he's a cool person and i'd like to get to know eachother better, along with my number. Maybe he's got alot going on in his life right now but...I just wish he would call or text me, just say something. I wish so much I could see him again, and I feel like a piece of my soul is just walking around right now without me. I know that sounds dramatic but it is honestly how i feel, I've dated and think about guys but he's different and I want to see him again.
Not enough money for...Pokemon! Okay so I love Pokemon TCG (Pokemon the card game) and I just started and I have like, seriously no money for cards. And it's a card game, and I don't have money for cards. I bought one started deck which is basically dumb pokemon with no value just to teach you how to play the game, and now I want to level up and create my own deck- I've got 3 awesome deck ideas!- but I can't do any of them, because no money. I don't want to go back each week and keep getting pulverized, I want to get some good cards to go with my ideas and I really need more dice too because you need alot of dice in the game. :(
So I think that covers it. I'm stressed, I'm angry, I'm anxious, I'm sad. And I wish that I could just get my shit together.
I'm not sure if this will help you, but when I am freaking, I say to myself, "I am alive and it will be ok." Then I breathe. I keep this going until I feel calm or at least calmer. I get the paperwork drill. It's like, has no one heard of anything but one more form please? It's as if everything must be in triplicate and then there's a form for the forms you did in triplicate which of course is, you got it, in triplicate. Breathe, look at the sunrise or sunset, drink a nice cup of chamomile tea (great for stress) and remember "I am alive and it will be ok."