I have been suffering anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.. This past year has been off the charts though. I have been in a long distance relationship with an exchange student i met in high school. We had this amazing relationship it was like being in a movie and everyone in the city knew us as the perfect ideal couple..
What people don't know is about how cheated on me so many times and I took him back.. I even gave him my trust back.. And ever since I found out about him cheating on me he hasn't been treating me right.. Basically he acts like I don't even exist. He will ignore me for days or weeks and then make excuses and be so sweet and romantic and win me back only to go back to the same routine. Yes i have bluntly to his face told him I am cutting myself I have been cutting myself for over a year and this is how bad it is with picutes and everything explaining how I dont like the way he will ignore me, and lie to me, and constantly hide things from me. He always swears it will be better that he will change and he promises he loves me more than anything yet he never changes!! I told him he doesnt love me because if he did he wouldve changed it has been as year and i told him he is making me suicidal. I have tried to kill myself 3 times in our relationship. He has never once flown to the USA to my rescue or dropped out of college and moved here to try and fix things. He will only talk to me if I call or text first. He very rarely responds to any of my messages and when he does it's like a one word response. I never know what he is doing and i told him I dont trust him because he never tells me what he is doing or where he is. And he gets mad when I dont trust him and thinks I should trust him. Yet he still never talks to me and I catch him lying ALL THE TIME! He always yells and throws a fit when I accuse him of not loving me or caring about me and he calls me controlling. He says he is busy in college doesnt have time. I said cant you take 5 minutes out of your busy schedule to at least say like i miss you or this is what i did today... Even tomorrow he has made plans to go hang out with a bunch of friends. I have zero self esteem because of the way I've been treated and I feel completely worthless because of everything in this relationship. I have told him this as well. I have his facebook password and I see him messaging people all the time on facebook but he never will respond or talk to me. He knows my anxiety and panic attacks have gotten worse and yet he still ignores me which makes me the most upset and makes me feel like cutting myself is the only answer. I find myself crying when I go to bed and the first thing I do when I wake up is cry more. I just turned 20 but I feel like I'm so old. I am so miserable I cant even do simple tasks like laundry. Everything seems difficult and I want to give up. I have written several notes and filmed a final video. I really just want to be dead. I have wanted to be dead for a long time. And i have told my boyfriend just about everyday for the past 6months that I want to kill myself.
What should I do? I can't make sense of anything and I don't want to see a doctor... I just feel like everything would be better if I was dead.
I apologize for my god awful grammar and spelling; i have been crying so much the whole time i was writing this.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? Will this misery ever end or do I have to put an end to it myself by ending my life?