i wish i was fearless.
i am. i know physically i am. i push myself, i'm not afraid to fall, i'm superwoman if i need to be.
emotionally i am afraid to let go. i don't want to let go or just open up because i am afraid, correction- terrified, of getting hurt.
sometimes i hold onto the past because it's what i know and the future just intimidates me.
i put up a front because i need to. i am not going to just open up and tell you everything until i feel like i can. and i know when i can feel it.
i can't fall in love because i feel like i'm not good enough, no matter what, i don't measure up, the other person is just too good.
i over think like i'm getting paid for it.
i will go to the ends of the earth to please you even if it's breaking my heart...again because you're better so you deserve it.
i'm inpatient and can be unkind. i can be as mean as words will allow me if i feel like i need to. i regret it later, even if i say i don't, even if i apologize and you forgive me, i feel hurt from it.
oh god, i am a mess! i do not have my shit together and i don't know whats going on in my mind.
i know that in the back of my mind i am in denial, and i'm typing all this realizing it hasn't really hit me yet.
fuck i frustrate myself! i am my own problem. i get in my own way. i trip i fall i crash i burn i repeat.
but i'm my own solution...
and my question stands--how does one truly love themselves? please tell me the secret, i'm desperate.