i wish i was fearless.

i am. i know physically i am. i push myself, i'm not afraid to fall, i'm superwoman if i need to be.

emotionally i am afraid to let go. i don't want to let go or just open up because i am afraid, correction- terrified, of getting hurt.

sometimes i hold onto the past because it's what i know and the future just intimidates me.

i put up a front because i need to. i am not going to just open up and tell you everything until i feel like i can. and i know when i can feel it.

i can't fall in love because i feel like i'm not good enough, no matter what, i don't measure up, the other person is just too good.

i over think like i'm getting paid for it.

i will go to the ends of the earth to please you even if it's breaking my heart...again because you're better so you deserve it.

i'm inpatient and can be unkind. i can be as mean as words will allow me if i feel like i need to. i regret it later, even if i say i don't, even if i apologize and you forgive me, i feel hurt from it.

oh god, i am a mess! i do not have my shit together and i don't know whats going on in my mind.

i know that in the back of my mind i am in denial, and i'm typing all this realizing it hasn't really hit me yet.

fuck i frustrate myself! i am my own problem. i get in my own way. i trip i fall i crash i burn i repeat.

but i'm my own solution...



and my question stands--how does one truly love themselves? please tell me the secret, i'm desperate.