i don't know if it's just my particular environment (small town high school) or if the only place to find what i need is University...
BUT

I want a free exchange of beautiful ideas. i want meaningful conversation. i don't want to waste my time with worthless people.

as i've grown up to where i am now a rising senior in hs... i've noticed things changing. once i was just a normal kid, of above average intelligence yes, but always running around with everyone - no worries...

then i realized one day that i hated the little slumber parties and the fake friend groups. so - i faded and stopped attending any and all social events. at first i was happy to be out of all the fake camaraderie... but then i realized that i missed having that big strong friend group for stability.

i pushed all of my close friends away, and now

too late. i'm one of those people who is just friends, or at least friendly, with everyone. and that's great.. but i get lonely. i don't have any strong connections to anyone - maybe two or three, but they have their own friend c***les to immerse themselves in.

it's a big mess. still, i enjoy my individual status - it's just sometimes i see people partying or whatever, and i get that awful stab of loneliness. not because i want to do the stupid shit they're doing, just because they're surrounded by other people. stupid people sure... but - -

and see, there's the answer right there! I'm such a hypocrite, and it's tragic. i want people around me, but only worthwhile people, and as arrogant as some people might interpret this, it's the truth; there are no worthwhile people in my school (maybe three) and everyone else is pathetic. FACTS.

I WANT LEGITIMACY! i want people who aren't talking about pointless shit all day, and who oftentimes don't understand words i use.

here, people are bringing me down. not intentionally, but i just feel so isolated and cut off, because at the end of the day i am. i'm more or less falling apart; depressed with the occasional panic attack. it's a mess.

thanks for listening

I want a free exchange of beautiful ideas. i want meaningful conversation. i don't want to waste my time with worthless people.