i'm afraid i'm depleted..such a hard day today...first dinner since a year that she is gone..her relatives friends and whatnot..so many people, people, people all these useless smiles and polite "hello"--s and "how are you"-s..i am not a sociophobe..by no means i am not but it's getting harder and harder to deal with people..people people everywhere sometimes i wish they just disappeared..I want to retract into the dark and quiet and cold of my room and act like a miserable sod..i want to disappear..
She is quiet again, not a word of how she is and of course not even a thought on how i am..she is too inverted into her bubble of despair probably..yet these days have been the hardest and i needed her most of all but of course she is just gone..
I suppose i ought to be used to it by now but a heart doesn't work like that, on a command..i miss her, want her and need her bad..and i get nothing in return, not even an answer...i try to share with a "friend" and he acts like a jerk..my ex was right, all it comes down to in the end is i will always be alone to deal with these things..there will be no support..i suppose these are all still effects of rejection since childhood, the so called "i want mommy" syndrome which never got satisfied..it's not something that can be satisfied by someone from the outside, only by me..i don't want anyone for that same reason..too proud..too freaking proud to show i have a weakness, yet with the one i want to be vulnerable, i need to be sane instead..
no, i don't want anything anymore, just let me disappear..