REACHING OUT

IM NOT SURE WHERE I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS, I GUESS HERE IS A GOOD PLACE.
IM FEELING REALLY LOW TONIGHT, OR SHOULD I SAY THIS MORNING, IT IS NOW 1 AM.
MOST OF YOU KNOW MY MOM HAS PASSED AWAY, I AM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME. I TRY TO HIDE IT ALOT BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO GET SICK OF HEARING ME. I JUST CANT SLEEP ANYMORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I AM WRITING ANY OF THIS, I AM JUST FEELING SO LOW AND IM AFRAID ID DO SOMETHING IF I DONT OCCUPY MY BRAIN FOR A BIT. I GUESS I CHOSE THIS SPACE IN CASE I SWEAR, BUT HONESTLY I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO SWEAR. I HAVE SO MANY PAINS IN MY BROKEN HEART ALREADY, I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO ADD A MAJOR ONE LIKE MY MOMS DEATH ALSO. WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I NEVER WANTED TOYS, OR CLOTHES OR ANYTHING NORMAL CHILDREN WANT. I WANTED A PARENT TO LOVE ME AND TAKE CARE OF ME, BUT MOSTLY PROTECT ME FROM THE ABUSE I SUFFERED EVERYDAY. I NEVER GOT THAT PARENT TILL I WAS 33 YEARS OLD, AND NOW SHES GONE. IM NOT SURE IF IM GLAD TO HAVE HAD THE EXPERIANCE OR IF I WAS BETTER OFF BEING BLISSFULLY UNAWARE. I DO KNOW I SOMEHOW FEEL SO ROBBED. I DONT THINK MY HEART WILL MEND FROM THIS ONE. I THINK THIS WAS THE STRAW THAT FINALLY BROKE ME. IVE ALWAYS BEEN SO TOUGH, BUT NOW FEEL SO WEAK. I AM ALIVE BUT IM NOT LIVING. I HAVE BECOME THE WALKING DEAD. MY MIND IS A BATTLEFIELD AND IM LOSING THE WAR. I AM WAVING THE WHITE FLAG BUT NO ONE IS NOTICING. ANYWAYS I JUST NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, EVEN IF ITS ONLY A COMPUTER SCREEN. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, I GUESS IT WAS BETTER TO HAVE HAD YOU AND LOST YOU THEN TO HAVE NEVER HAD YOU AT ALL. AS LONG AS I HAVE A BREATH LEFT I WILL MISS YOU MOMMY, AND I LOVE YOU, I ALWAYS HAVE. I FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID AND DIDNT DO FOR ME. MY BABIES CRY FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT, AND SO DO I. IVE TOLD THEM TO LOOK FOR THE BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKYE AND THATS WHERE THEY'LL FIND YOU. MY HEART CANT POSSIBLY BREAK WHEN IT WASNT EVEN WHOLE TO START WITH..... I LOVE YOU MOMMY.

[Snowy]

I am so sorry for your loss Down, my heart goes out to you.

We can't change our past hun, or even the hurt, and in a lot of cases it will haunt us, mine has for over 30 yrs now. A friend once told me, maybe I could find forgiveness, I did give it a lot of thought, and there are somethings I can forgive, I need too, just to move on. Maybe someday you will get to that point too. Cherrish the good memories for now dear, maybe that will help you get through the hard times.

I want you to know you are in my thoughts

Bubbles xx

[jools]

I am so sorry for your loss Down,* my heart goes out to you.

We can't change our past hun,* or even the hurt,* and in a lot of cases it will haunt us,* mine has for over 30 yrs now.* A friend once told me,* maybe I could find forgiveness,* I did give it a lot of thought,* and there are somethings I can forgive,* I need too,* just to move on.* Maybe someday you will get to that point too.* Cherrish the good memories for now dear,* maybe that will help you get through the hard times.

I want you to know you are in my thoughts

Bubbles* xx

my mum has always talked of forgiveness,and i always found it hard to understand,but i get it now.its so hard to do,but it is a release,its about letting go of the past,it sets you free.i totally understand grief,i lost my dad to cancer,and i felt angry and let down for so long,and i still miss him so much,nut strange as it may sound,ive forgiven him for leaving me now.