Welcome to the Phobics Awareness Forums.
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21
  1. #1
    Guest
    i just told someone about my life the other day. and it felt better. i thought i migth feel better if i do it again. i know this will probably wear out, but it's workin for me so i'm rollin' with it.

    like i said, i don't think anyone will want to read this, and the one person i told in real life never spoke to me again... so i'm sorry in advance

    I was a quiet child, but my parents loved me and i never wanted for anything. i didnt have a bad childhood. i have an older sister, and we fought, but sisters do. the only thing that our parents were uncomfortable talking about was sex, but i think that's fairly normal.

    i've always had trouble making and keeping friends, so when one of them introduced me to *** aged 14, i thought it looked great... a way to talk to people with the off button as an escape route... obviously, inquisitive minds will wander.. and wander mine did. this resulted in several "relationships" with much older members of the opposite sex. i would always wriggle free when then talked about meeting. i was top in my class. i was no fool. i knew what they wanted.

    until one told me that he loved me. he would send me letters and presents in a swirling adult hand that completely fascinated me. i had seen pictures, i wasn't bothered by what he looked like, i was excited to have this pen-friend, and a romance like a princess... i was always a step away, never really involved in it, just watching. until he sent me train tickets.

    it was a long way by train. i took the day truant from high school to travel to the north of england for this man. we met. we had dinner. it all felt a bit odd, but the letters were so lovely. so i carried on writing, as did he. but he started phoning the house, getting more persistent. one day he arranged to drive down and meet me from school. and he did. and he wanted to see where i lived. so i showed him. he said his wife had cancer. that they loved each other but were'nt really intimate anymore. i had no idea what this meant.

    i mean the gist of where this is going is totally apparent. people say to me that it shouldn't be rape just because the girl is under sixteen. i didn't say no. that doesn't mean i didn't mean no. i didn't know what was happening and it's haunted me since. i think i thought just because he was older i had to do what he said. i didn't realise what had happened til afterwards really.

    just before i was sixteen, the same friend told me about this great club we could go to. i don't know what she had to do to get us in, but neither of us looked 18. we had a drink each, which her sister bought us, and we danced and had fun. but then we had an argument about something. and she told her sister, and they left very quickly. i was supposed to be staying with them (they lived closer to town, and if my mum had found out that i wasnt just staying the night at her house to watch a film, she would have been so annoyed), so i hurried after but they were going really fast.

    we were all on foot, but i'm just quite slow, i don't know what it is. anyway, they had gotten quite a way ahead and there was this dark alley... i didn't want to go down there, but it was the only way i knew back to her house, so i went, trying to go as quickly as possible.

    then someone calls out to me from behind me "you've dropped your phone luv." i had this shit phone that cost like ????20 from currys, but i thought i ought to go back and get it, so i turned and walked towards him. it was only when i got too close that i realised i hadn't taken my phone out with me.

    and seven other men stepped from the shadows. i have never been so terrified in my life. i thought i was going to die, and so did they. they took it in turns and left me there. i woke up the next morning under some bin bags and scraped my clothes back together. they burnt me badly with cigarettes and it hurt to walk, but i managed to get on a bus and get home. i went straight to bed and my mum thought i was just being a moody teenager. i never told her. she still doesn't know. it would break her heart to know how filthy i am.

    this caused me serious issues, developing into something of a multiple personality disorder, which my parents again took for moodiness and puberty. they took me to a gp who referred me to a psych, who told me that was what it was likely to be. i got very scared when they talked about telling my parents. i didn't tell them what had happened to me, and they couldn't make any sense of it. i went back a couple of times, but i think they thought i was "playing up", and i stopped going.

    i got better, and i left high school and went to college. i thought i had met my soulmate when i was 17. he was 6'3" and we were constantly laughing. i loved him so much. which is why, i thought at the time, i didn't mind if he didn't use a condom. as most catholics know, the pull-out-and-pray method is ineffective at best. i fell pregnant around my 18th birthday.

    he wouldn't tell me how he felt, and i couldn't cope with a child. he wouldn't keep the family planning appts with me so i went alone. one of my good girlfriends went with me to have the abortion when i told her i would be going alone. she was worried for me. without going into detail, you have to have an ultrasound, and then they used the suction thing. the doctor had to "check it was all there". i strongly suspect it was twins. they are due in my generation.

    three days later, when i felt like my insides were falling out and i was terrified (again, my parents oblivious), i got told "i can't look at you without thinking about our dead child. i can't see you anymore" I was devastated.

    For the next few years, i drifted in and out of depression, doing average in my exams, but not the excellent that was expected, never really getting close to anyone. i came away to univesity 3 hours away, escaping again from the people that i thought had hurt me.

    aged 21 i met a friend of a friend at a party. he seemed warm and kind and after a while he told me he loved me. he lived in aberdeen, 12 hours from manchester by bus, but i went to see him and he drove to see me. my parents never met him. they knew he existed but i was too ashamed. when i told him about my abortion, he seemed supportive at first.

    he was 36 and i was 21. later, when he realised i wasn't quite ready for settling down with kids, he got more abusive. we would row. and then he would demand sex. i would say no, but it wouldn't matter. on more than one occasion, he held me down and raped me (in the other hole), slapping me and telling me how disgusting i was. he would leave me passed out from pain in apile of my own mess, and then I would wake to his screams, telling em to clean my fucking mess up and get out his house.

    he would tell me over the phone while i was in manchester that i was lucky to have him, that no one else would want me, i was tainted, too fat, too ugly. i was lucky. i had no friends. when i went out in the evening, i would return to him furious on the end of the phone, crying and wailing at me, telling me how awful i was, so i stopped going out. i thought i wanted to be with him. i thouhgt he was looking after me. i thought i was lucky.

    christmas 2005 came around, and i was due to travel with my parents to see my sister who lives in the middle east. he was planning a solitary trip to italy to *make me jealous*. i wasn't planning on being jealous. i was going to have a great time. i hadn't been to visit my sister since i moved out. my parents could see how fragile i was and how much i didn't need to be with him anymore.

    the final straw came on christmasday when i got home from dinner to him teling me *you should be ashamed for going out drinking and having fun with your family while im here all alone in italy* (i should mention here thathe had a son and a dad/brother/sister/stepmum to spend christmas with, but he chose not to). I hung up the phone and never picked it up again.

    He phoned often, threatening to kill me, torture me, anything he thought would have an effect. i said i would report him to the police, but he could hear the hollowness in my threats, and the calls got more frequent and more firghtening. so i did contact the police. and they took some things away, including a "scrapbook of opur relationship" he had made post-break up to try and win me back. this had a picture of his car in complete with plate numbers, and a whole tub of glitter. he was a total weirdo. two weeks later, he drove the twelve hours to manchester and threw a variety of obscene sex toys on the flat roof outside my window. the police issued a restraining order. apart from signing me up to crap emails, i am free.

    i've moved house, changed numbers, my parents have changed numbers (when i split with him he sent emails to my boss, parents, friends, uni and sister telling them all about my abortion and how awful i am, and another email containing nude pictures of me that he had taken, and he tried to "quit my uni and my job" for me, all from an address under my name - i had a hard time explaining that to the boss)
    and everything is pretty much ok from a security point ofview.

    so that's what happened.

    i don't think i left anythingout.

    and now? well now i live in a new house with people who are tired of my "mood swings"

    my mood swings are characterised by whispers in my head telling me how horrible i am, nightmares with flashbacks, where i feel physical pressure on top of me and wake up in a cold sweat, rocking in my chair followed by panic attacks, intense anger and irritation triggeed by the slightest thing, hypersensitivity, a desire to take my own life (tried twice - too chicken), a tendency to self harm so bad that i have ruined my legs and have taken to "accidental oven-burns", cuz then people dont know. i have a lot of trouble with food. sometimes i will go buy a box of cakes, eat them and be sick, and then other times i won't be sick, i'll just eat the cakes. i got from very very excited to very very sad over short spaces, i love drinking, i am a heavy smoker and a nail biter, and i am genuinely terrified and alone.

    i have been to the doc. he said i should "seek counselling" or call the samaritans... calling is fine when you can talk to people on the phone... the phone makes me very very nervous. i sepak to my immediate family for no longer than ten minutes, but it's the voices.

    i'm studying architecture, and the pressure is incredible, but i am getting there

    and im trying to eat more vegetables.

    thanks for being there guys, i wish i found you earlier, in two days i've improved so much. thankyou...

    (and if you're upset from reading this, i really do apologise, but i treid to say not to.. i know... we have a tendency to do what people tell us not to...)

    dec x :blink:

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    313
    heck girl... you aint dirty. Full Stop. Not one thing you have been through makes you dirty. So you can stop thinking that.

    I'd like to see what kinda buildings you design... i'm thinking there would be some groovy stuff there.


    and vegetables? Good For You!




    ps... thats not too bad, only a few spelling mistakes, congrats

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  3. #3
    Guest
    hehe ty stray...

    they're more likely typos, my spelling is second to none

    and where are you, mister?

    we have all been asking after you in the channel

    is it all about supply and demand?

    tc x :blink:

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    313
    asking about me?

    how sweet



    i can only go in the chat when nothing else is happening on my puter as the Java tends to kill my browser and cause me machine to restart...

    i do get around a bit though

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  5. #5
    Guest
    oh java is so quaint.

    i'm an *** geek, as i think i mentioned, so i only use m***.

    well howdy me next time you're around because ti makes me feel oh so thpethial

    MWA x

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    313
    *** dont work for me... i cant get the channel to load in it. JK put me onto M***, but it just wont work! Dammitttt


    oh, and i use a Macintosh...

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    Guest
    if i can make it work doesn't that make me cleverer?

    :P

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    313
    would you like to compare IQ's huh?



    ok...


    just let me remember where i left mine.....

    *looks behind Sofa... nope... looks in fridge... nope... scratches head*

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  9. #9
    Guest
    hehe i did a test once and it said i had IQ of 153...

    so IQ tests are obviously a waste of time haha

    :blink:

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    313
    absolutely... mine said 165.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

 

 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •