I usually don't have panic attacks over anything worth justifying a panic attack, but I'm getting pretty panicky over this. But I just about had a panic attack about an hour ago.
I'm 'home' in Connecticut with my parents now, been here since Sunday. A lot thought this'd be good for me and I hoped it would be too but mostly I've been miserable. It's great to be around my family, I've hardly seen them all year and I haven't had any fights (except for flipping out over food with my Mom) but I just can't live here.
All my old comfort zones from before I moved out 2 years ago are gone. My bedroom isn't my bedroom anymore, it's been taken over by recently inherited antiques and my sister so it has no more room for me. Few things are more relaxing for me (besides klonopin) than to sit (or lay down) with a good book but there is nowhere I can comfortably read. The lamps are too dim and the overhead lighting is too bright (I'm photophobic). I haven't touched my novel since I arrived. The water pressure is so bad I can't take a decent hower and the water tastes putrid. Then there are the dogs making a mess... I won't go there. My Dad has gotten better but I know it's only a matter of time before I start fighting with him.
I gotta go back to Ohio soon. I think I might've lost my job (and I suck at jobhunting) but I really wanna see my therapist (I miss her), my psychiatrist and I want to see the neurologist. All my stuff is still in that apartment. I hate that apartment and have felt worse ever since I moved in there last September but I am freed from my lease at the end of August.
But I don't know where I'm going when I do leave that apartment. I want to come back east since that's where most of my family and friends I rarely talk to are, but I don't know where to live. Living alone is out of the question (That week home alone was pure hell for me). I have had a few relatives volunteer to take me in but all the volunteers are either allergic to cats or can't have them in heir homes- and my cat Rivkah goes with me wherever I go, we've been through too much together the past 5 years for me to give her up even temporarily. And I promised Riv that we wouldn't be seperated.
I was hoping my grandparents would let me live in their downstairs apartment but they've grown used to their privacy and my grandmother is afraid of fleas. Rivkah has no fleas but you should know how phobias effect people. My sister just laughed when I mentioned sharing an apartment, she's too independant for a room mate and we would drive each other crazy. I was told to check the ads for people wanting room mates but I don't want to live with a stranger.
So I'm pretty scared about what'll happen in a couple months. If something doesn't happen soon I will wind up back here and I'm worried I'll wind up like I was before; severely depressed and anxious from boredom, and angry and frustrated from being so bored and fighting with my Dad again. I used to be into self harm (He'd make me so mad sometimes I'd hurt myself after an argument) then my life changed virtually within a week, and I got outta here shortly after that. I haven't done any self harm in nearly 3 years. I'm afraid if I get stuck here again I'll wind up getting back into the old habits and I don't want to go back there again. I was already tempted the other week when I was home alone in Ohio and certain utensils were the only clean thing in the silverwear drawer.