Gray Matter,
I am so sorry for your afflictions and have been where you are and just as desperate. I won't say what you want to hear because what I wanted to hear at the time and what I needed to hear were two different things. I will talk about me because I don't know you and cannot diagnose at all. My real deep down difficulty was war. lol, that sounds really funny doesn't it. You are a soul in conflict, imo. At least I was a soul in conflict. You have two spirits inside warring against each other. I know you hate religion etc. I realize that by what you said, but could you read Romans in the Bible as a suggestion. Just try it. There are worse things to do. Then maybe Matthew. Then Proverbs. Give it a chance.