if i could control my words, i would. but i can't, i say what i feel in that instant and later regret most of it, this time i'm regretting all of it. i know it's my fault, i pushed away-well more like shoved out the door and slammed the door in their face-someone i love. if i could take it back, i would. in a heartbeat. i'm so sorry for everything i said, and i dont know if its fixable this time. not like i deserve their forgiveness but i feel so bad about it, i'd go to the ends of the earth for them anytime anywhere, especially now. damn me and my stupid impulsive words! well along with being impulsive with my words, my actions aren't always thought through completely, or at all. if i could explain the amount of regret i have i totally would, but it seems there are no words. i cut because i didnt know what to do, i was mad at myself and it felt okay for that split second, so i jumped on the opportunity because i thought i had a good excuess. well whatever, i'll get over it. still regret it, but i guess it's best to be indifferent, that way it's like you're invincible, nothing can ever hurt you. so here we are, january 13th means nothing any more and i cant celebrate the 13th of every month for being clean. whatever, 13 isnt exactly a lucky number, clearly it wasnt meant to be...we'll see what happens, i almost miss this feeling, no not the regret, the high from the pain. it's still the perfect escape that'll work everytime. and if i can learn to be indifferent i'll be set, there wont be any regret when i'm done.