Is it normal to want to squeeze your bosses head until it explodes?!?! I sure hope it's normal. Otherwise, I guess I'm abnormal. He is driving me up a fucking wall today! He is SO disorganized. And creepy. Yes, I said creepy. A lot of the women here at work would swear he's got bodies buried in his yard. I'm starting to think he might.
And have I mentioned that he smells? Yeah. I avoid smelling him at all costs. I'm actually relatively happy when my nose is stuffy when I have a cold that way I can't smell him. Anyway, back to the creepiness...he has a combover and wears 3 piece suits. He's in his 50s and is super intelligent so he should have some idea that his style is in need of some serious help.
Have I also mentioned he has worked for the firm for 6 years and I am paralegal/secretary #5 of his? Yeah. People don't stick around long. No one can stand to work for the man. I guess this is why I get pretty decent raises. I've lasted the longest. Believe me, if I had another choice, I would go elsewhere. But the money and benefits are too good to start all over.
I'm just hoping they can him at some point in the near future. Either that or I win the lottery or my lawsuit gets settled. That way I can march into his office and say "fuck off" and march right back out, grab my shit and go.
He just really is the epitome of "the worst boss." I never know when he's going to be here and when he's not. If I ask him his smart ass answer is always "if you're lucky." So when a partner of the firm asks where he is, I just tell them he answered that we might see him "if we're lucky." They don't seem to like that, but then again, they know Joe. And they know I can only do so much. (Thankfully they know that- they've expressed it time and time again to me.)
So a breakdown of how he is the epitome of "The Worst Boss"
1. Smart ass answers to everything. "Are you going to be here tomorrow?" "If you're lucky." Well??? What the fuck does that mean?!
2. He smells. Bad. Very bad. I try to stay out of his office as much as possible. I keep Lysol at my desk. When he leaves his office or has just been in my area, I spray the Lysol. Not in front of him of course because....
3. I don't want to be buried in his back yard. Yes, he's that creepy. Never married, no kids, talks about shooting everyone at the firm and/or bombing the firm. Comforting huh?
4. He is disorganized. Extremely. "Where's the So-and-So file?" "I don't know Stinky, maybe it's in your office underneath that pile of shit you call work on your desk?" Just a guess.
5. He is demeaning. "Let's see if we can get this right this time...Are you trying to kill me?....." It's just the little things that a boss can say that can make you feel like the tiniest person in the world sometimes. And there's nothing you can say back to it. Even if you know they're in the wrong. Because....see #3.
6. He has two "rules." The first of which is "Feed the monkey." If you haven't figured it out, HE IS THE MONKEY. If there is food here at the office, he had better know about it, or its my ass. Seriously. I've gotten chewed out for forgetting to tell him there was birthday cake in the kitchen. This happened yesterday. I don't go in the kitchen! I rely on other people to tell me so I don't get yelled at. And rule 2. "Don't let anyone have our files." Shit, I don't think that'll be a problem. You covet those fucking files like Dahmer coveted body parts. Nobody wants the fucking files! And if you can't find one, it's not because I gave it to someone else. No, I think maybe you should look under your half eaten pear and braunschwager sandwich and I bet you'd find it fucker.